As years have gone by, I have met people and interacted with them on different levels. I have always had lots of friends but very few close friends. By close I mean, with friends I can call at 3 in the morning and chat with them if I am bored. Friends who have just been around every time I have thought I wanted company or friends who have not felt bad in letting me know that I was dating a prick! So these are the friends that I do not need to constantly be in touch with and talk to them. I do not need to tell them I exist, they know it. I do not like to talk a lot. I do not like to be under any obligation to talk.
As a kid I was a very talkative and could go non- stop if I liked your company but more often than never I would take time to open up and chat up. This trait strangely carried on with me till date and I still take my sweet time to open up to people and if I don’t get the right kind of vibe from you, I may just keep quiet on you for the longest time or make pleasant conversations and fade out! But somehow I feel things are changing.
Over the years I have become aware of the sounds of silence than the cacophony of the voices around. I need my space and I need to be quiet. Sometimes people mistake this as being snobbish or being incapable of having a conversation, but the fact is that I do not feel the need to communicate to people all the time. I can be in the middle of a crowded room, and feel equally at peace with myself as I would in my bedroom. It’s not really about the fact that I dislike a person’s company; it might just be a small mood swing. It can be just that I want to shut away the world and sit with myself. The feeling of walking alone on wet sands is a feeling that no company can match for me.
Recently I was told that I am always LOST in my thoughts. I took it as a compliment and carried on with no reaction! For me to be able to get lost in ones thought in spite of all that chaos around is a big achievement. To detach when you need it the most. To walk away when you know you are his only company. The comforting part is when the other person understands that feeling of being lost and shares the same with you. To sit in a room with just person in it and enough to talk but making a choice to keep quiet is the most amazing thing in the world.
The reason I write this. I feel that somewhere I may have hurt people with my silence. Somewhere a person might get the feeling that I am weird and refusing to open up. But honestly, I have fallen in love with being lost and finding my way out of it. I rather have you share my calm and silence. I would really make a conversation if I feel you feel uneasy, but I would love it if you were just happy to have me around without an expectation!
