Not exactly a sabbatical i would like

Well not exactly how a sabbatical is planned but I am not complaining at all. A month back was diagnosed with Typhoid and so was given strict instructions by the docs to not step out of home. Initially the thought was itself so sad… imagine sticking to the bed and just not getting out at all… it was painful.

Gradually I got used to it. I caught up with all the serials on air… Dexter also comes in the morning was a revelation! Picked up lots of books and did some reading. Ate home cooked food. Did Nothing!

Did a lot of soul searching and introspection. Spoke to parents at length which I never get time to do. Spoke to friends. Caught up on life with sister. Made some arrangements to change life and the way I was living it.

In retrospect I feel that one needs these breaks. It was my body warning me to slow down. Sit back and just breathe. I have never felt so helpless as I felt when I was stuck to that bed. I made myself promise that I won’t stress and let my health hamper. However, I am not sure if I will ever be able to overcome a temptation of a meal at Moshe, or a drink at WTF or the mad dancing at Hawaiian shack! So yes sometimes it’s good to let go but only sometimes. Work is important but there is something far more important than work – me!

Am re- joining work soon, and I just hope I am able to keep to all the above promises. If not I will keep coming back to this piece to remind myself that a sabbatical would be great at the Himalayas vacationing with friends or roaming the world than being stuck to the bed!

LOST

As years have gone by, I have met people and interacted with them on different levels. I have always had lots of friends but very few close friends. By close I mean, with friends I can call at 3 in the morning and chat with them if I am bored. Friends who have just been around every time I have thought I wanted company or friends who have not felt bad in letting me know that I was dating a prick! So these are the friends that I do not need to constantly be in touch with and talk to them. I do not need to tell them I exist, they know it. I do not like to talk a lot. I do not like to be under any obligation to talk.

As a kid I was a very talkative and could go non- stop if I liked your company but more often than never I would take time to open up and chat up. This trait strangely carried on with me till date and I still take my sweet time to open up to people and if I don’t get the right kind of vibe from you, I may just keep quiet on you for the longest time or make pleasant conversations and fade out! But somehow I feel things are changing.

Over the years I have become aware of the sounds of silence than the cacophony of the voices around. I need my space and I need to be quiet. Sometimes people mistake this as being snobbish or being incapable of having a conversation, but the fact is that I do not feel the need to communicate to people all the time. I can be in the middle of a crowded room, and feel equally at peace with myself as I would in my bedroom. It’s not really about the fact that I dislike a person’s company; it might just be a small mood swing. It can be just that I want to shut away the world and sit with myself. The feeling of walking alone on wet sands is a feeling that no company can match for me.

Recently I was told that I am always LOST in my thoughts. I took it as a compliment and carried on with no reaction! For me to be able to get lost in ones thought in spite of all that chaos around is a big achievement. To detach when you need it the most. To walk away when you know you are his only company. The comforting part is when the other person understands that feeling of being lost and shares the same with you. To sit in a room with just person in it and enough to talk but making a choice to keep quiet is the most amazing thing in the world.

The reason I write this. I feel that somewhere I may have hurt people with my silence. Somewhere a person might get the feeling that I am weird and refusing to open up. But honestly, I have fallen in love with being lost and finding my way out of it. I rather have you share my calm and silence. I would really make a conversation if I feel you feel uneasy, but I would love it if you were just happy to have me around without an expectation!

want to

I have wanted to do some insane things lately. Some of which have already done. I don’t live in the Victorian age, so why should I live by the manners!

I am sure most you will relate to this:

Want to re live some moments….

Want to splash in a puddle of mud, run home to a clean carpet and leave my footprints!

Want to pick up the pup on my way back home, and get scolded by my mum,

Want to feel the rain in my eyes, nose and mouth!

Want to stretch my arms wide and embrace life,

Want to have sugar with everything possible, rice, roti, iddlis etc

Want to feel like a kid again and shout my name out from the top of the mountain,

Want to feel the wind race through my hair, when I stand up through the sun roof,

Want to make noise while drinking coke,

Want to lick my fingers and not wipe it neatly in the napkin,

Want to have a semi- melted chocolate and make a mess out of it.

Shoe fetish

Yeah you got it right. I am suffering from the guilt pangs of post shopping. I and why me everyone around me thinks I am a shopaholic and I am quite ok with the tag. But sometimes when you walk into the ATM and have a look at the mini statement and realise that you had spent a huge amount on something totally useless, you feel like burying yourself. This happens with me a lot!

I tell myself that I earn and so I spend. I cannot be categorised as being brand conscious either. You can leave me alone on a street with Rs. 200 and I would still find ways to spend it. I shop everywhere. The thing is with me is that I am not very focused with my choices. I love bags, clothes, jewellery, household items (since I stay away from home, I tend to collect a lot of junk...) and oh I love books and music.

But my weak point is shoes.
My other two roommates will throw me out of the house one day as I have taken over all the shoe cupboards in my house. I have spent money every month on different kinds and shapes of shoes. I think, it’s because I know that no matter what my body size would be I would still fit in a shoe, the reason for this fetish. It’s becoming slightly out of proportions these days. I look at people’s shoes when I meet them. For example, the other day I was sitting in a restaurant and I saw a lady wearing the same sandals as Shefali was wearing in Karthik calling Karthik. Now you know what I mean when I say I look at people’s shoes.

My colleagues in office know this so well that one of the girls happens to send me a link of a website which is dedicated to different designs of shoes. I religiously visit this website once a day. I even found out a place in my city where I can give these designs and get them made to order. Now you are interested aren’t you? I bet you are! Imagine getting your customised shoes. Those lovely red sued and those amazing stilettos and oh oh the best boots!!! Yeah all of them just for you. Sorry I just did a free advertising for them!

My mother is rather worried with this obsession of mine. She thinks that the guy who gets married to me (since I am in the marriageable age all conversations kinda lead to marriage!!) will be irritated with the shoe factory that I have collected. And considering I am in Mumbai where most of the times flats are really small, I wonder where my collection will go! So a guy who is ok with this obsession is added to the list of “what I want in a guy”!!!

I get this behaviour as a genetic quality more than anything so you cannot really blame me. My grandfather (who was very close to me) had this trait. He had collected shoes from all corners of the world and even till the end of his life; he had a fascination for buying shoes. I still remember when we were cleaning up all his stuff after his death, we had about 30 to 40 pairs of shoes and we did not know what to do with them! Each pair was his favourite. I still remember how I got my first pair of red belles. It was a gift from my grandfather and I think I still posses the pair! He was a man who loved his shoes. Every Sunday he would line up the army of shoes and polish them with his own hands. For hours he would sit in the balcony and polish them. Even if they were never to be worn again! All his shoes were well maintained and well kept. He never threw his shoes away. He was emotional about his shoes and somewhere I too am about mine.

Each pair has a memory attached to it. Each pair has story to tell. A shoe when I cried after my break up. That red sandal when I wanted to spend my own hard earned money on a big brand. And that amazing black stiletto that I got for my first dance! And yeah that beige when I felt happy about something. And so goes on my love for my shoes.

:)

The sun touches my face
The breeze takes me along
The song plays somewhere
I drift away with your thoughts

I look for you besides me
I want you to be here
Be here to love me
Be here to hold me
Be here to see me smile
Be here to see me cry

It’s just another day
Without you
Without your presence
Without your smell
I just hold on to your thought
And I live…

A short break

Hey guys,
Have not posted a lot of stuff I have been writing. Just got carried away with Facebook I guess. So here it is... a few pending posts I had pasted on facebook...

The Opposite Sex

Writing about men coz I am a woman and also because I suddenly feel like they have been dominating my life without any rhyme or reason. All sorts of them in fact, from dad to the friends to the brothers to the gays! By now, I can almost say that I know a handful of them. They are a unique race and an amusing one at the same time. I have been fascinated by men from the very beginning of my life. My mother says I used to be very happy to be with my dad ever since she can re call. I still remember how I would get excited with the sound of his bike. I would always be just so happy to see him – why? Women are always happy to see men! Because they see them so rarely that the absence creates the excitement! That’s a lesson learnt really early in life. They are not like us who like to just hang around and nag and want to be part of everything. In fact given a choice they are the happiest if kept out of most things! They love their space and their time. They love everything that keeps them away from us! As I grew up, I went through a phase where I hated men. Ok thankfully this lasted only a few years before the hatred died. The phase was amazing because I and like me many of my friends wanted to prove it to the world that “hey we are better”. This is the phase when we had competitions that would be called “boys v/s girls” or “pink v/s blue” or some stupid thing like that. I remember we have competed against boys on various things – be it basket ball or rangloi! I mean come on, Rangoli and a boy wins it! So the competition begins at a really young age. I am sure we still feel great if we overtake a guy in traffic or office! So basically it’s not the men who feel superior its we who feel that we are inferior and want to so badly prove ourselves! Have you ever seen a guy challenge a girl to a game of PS 2? No! Not because they feel they are good at it, but they just don’t have us in their horizons when they think PS 2! But how many times have we expected a guy to shop for us or watch a chick flick with us! Come on. Let them just be! For records I am not being anti- feminist! I am just beginning to realise that men are happy because they are un-complicated by birth not because they chose to be so. Life for them is simple because they think not much but only what is required to. We tend to think a lot of various things and complicate lives. For example if I was told by a guy that he would love to see “Notting Hill” with me I would things of the following things: • He is gay! • He is maybe giving me a hint that he likes me • He thinks I am un attainable so I should not intimidate him • He may take me out for dinner after the movie • Or a long drive • Oh and in some days to his place • Oh no! He is getting serious about me • Oh god HELP! I need to give the right signals • Ok so I will clarify today itself that I am not game for a commitment • Or should I evaluate him and see – maybe he is a nice guy I could take home to mom! And in probabilities I would have said a big NO to him! And if I peep into the guy’s head he probably heard that women like mushy romantic flicks. “Googled” the 10 romantic movies and “Notting Hill” happened to be the first. Called me and just wanted to watch a movie and spend some time. Nothing more to that. Now since I refuse him, he thinks I have attitude and am snobbish. I just lost a good friend. Today after a few relationships, I can safely say that I really avoid thinking much, or do I actually not think! I am not sure how will I react. You know women have a sixth sense. Amazing. I think I will still evaluate! Or will I not! And just be me. And..... Ok I am confused (something we all are...aren’t we?!!) Ok we are different and thank god for that. They love us and we definitely love them! Cheers to all my women friends...take it easy girl....they are really not that bad!